May 2009
By Tom Snyder
I must today admit that a decade ago when I bought my boat, it was because I had a deep desire to demonstrate to the world that, at 46, I was finally a grownup who didn’t get most of his free-time pleasure from laughing at golfers and boaters. That was over and done – the ex-hippy, ironic observer who could be happy all weekend with pretzels and a catalog that specialized in pants and hats for boaters and/or golfers. Getting a sailboat meant joining the adult human race.
I was probably not searching for a hobby when I said yes to boating, because my relationship with hobbies has always been overheated and exhausting. All of my original youthful hobbies became obsessions and then businesses: music, computers, and exaggerating for network TV.
The decision to be a boat guy was a midlife decision to start over – to develop a passion that I would never get too good at, never compete in, and never to be too serious about. (In fairness, over the first six years that I wrote this column, I was paid one dollar by the Points East organization, but to this day, I honestly don’t think of that dollar as an incentive that drove me to greater mastery.)
Nevertheless, now that my beloved boat is gone, the word “hobby” creeps into my Google, so to speak.
I found the following comment on a hobbyist site: “Hobbies are healthy habits for men. They can be relaxing, relieve stress, provide a creative outlet, and even expand social circles.”
The instant I realized that this was from a women’s discussion group, I rejected it out of hand. It is widely known that women have a persistent hidden agenda to help men to break free of a tendency to wander alone in circles bumping into objects. I don’t need their help.
I will quote here, word for word, from another online discussion group. Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up: “My boyfriend wants to take up a new hobby to pass the time but hasn’t been sure of what he wants to do. Can anyone here suggest any cool, fun or interesting hobbies that are good for men other than sports, video games, gambling and porn?”
You have to appreciate the honesty of the question. The first from a long list of answers to her question was a howler for me: “Lots of guys are into polymer clay.” But then I looked up polymer clay and found out that you can, in fact, make very cool monsters and preternaturally busty females with it. Exciting? Yes, so I explored on to refresh my list of available pursuits.
Here below are the top seven male hobbies in the 48 contiguous states. Each one is potentially thrilling although several have big buts.
Fishing
Sunlight skipping, quiet contemplation, quality time with friends, BUT, actual bloody, desperate fish in agony.
Billiards
Played alone or with strangers, requires focus and breath control, BUT, things like axis of rotation, transfer of momentum, angles of impact, incidence and reflection.
Home brewing
No buts, but possible conflict of interest.
Collecting
Just one huge collection of big buts.
Target shooting
Sharpen hand-eye coordination, muzzle-loading replicas, BUT, inevitable range mates who think that Hillary set up the whole moon-landing hoax in ’69.
Rocketry
“It has everything a guy could want in a hobby: smoke, fire and the occasional out-of-control rocket spiraling toward a panicking crowd.” No buts, but no.
Mentoring the youth
Sorry, but the entire point of this exercise is to get me off of drugs.
Eventually as I went further down the list, I found my new hobby. It is “Radio Controlled Model Boating.” It has many, many obvious charms, but the deal closer for me was something I realized I desperately need in any new hobby. And it is this: The hobby must have dedicated magazines most of which take themselves way too seriously.
My new hobby does not disappoint. The first “Radio Controlled Model Boating” magazine article I read was very stern. It was all about responsible maintenance, and it managed a consistent tone of warning and superior hobbymanship. Let me quote: “There are few environments harsher on an RC vehicle than what RC boats experience. Water is the enemy, point blank.”
Oh, Lord, this hobby is going to be fun to be bad at.
An added thrill would be to find a goofy magazine with regular departments like Fuelin’ Around, At the Helm, Readers’ Harbor, Periscope, and Final Moorings.
And this may be too much to hope for, but how great would it be to find a magazine which boasted regular contributions from the outspoken but beloved industry spokesperson. He would have to have certain characteristics. He must pretend to be a hedonist but actually be a wealthy participant in the industry’s vast merchandising underbelly. He must be hugely overweight with a full but meticulously maintained beard. He must regale us with hobby stories laced with admonitions to live the same kind of free-wheeling, devil-may-care lifestyle as his. His narrative must suggest irresponsible, companionable drinking and hints of an almost unbearable horny longing couched in hale good humor and hobby advice. This would be fantastic and I am hopeful I will find it within the world of Radio Controlled Boating.
Finally, the real coup de bonus would be to discover a counter-culture magazine like Points East that prides itself on not being mainstream, a magazine that is loyal and generous to the friendly community it serves, and a magazine that would allow a screw-up like me to make potshots from the only partially informed sidelines. That would be heaven.
(I must go on here to announce here that after many happy years of working with Points East and its friendly and honorable people, I will not be writing this column in the future. If you see me with my new radio-controlled hat and pants ensemble, please wave hello.
Tom Snyder can be seen daily up to his knees, muttering obscenities to himself, in the Frog Pond in the Boston Common.
