May 2006
By Tom Snyder
Good fences make good neighbors. And by the same token, good sailing rules make good racers. Anyone who reads the forgoing will wonder if only the geekiest boat magazine could print such a thing. Nevertheless, I claim that what makes this nation great are our laws, and, by extension, our yacht-racing rules. But times change, customs evolve, and with them, as Adlai Stevenson once might have thought, “America the Proud can’t let her yacht racing rules founder on the shores of something…” Truer words!
This doesn’t have to be hard. As Disraeli so easily could have said, “If a yacht racing rule doesn’t work, change it.” Let’s get to it.
Problem: Starboard tack as a concept was fine for sailors who kept all of their sails on one side of the boat, but in our crazy “wing-and-wing” world, starboard tack is a judgment call for which we have precious little time.
New Rule: As two vessels approach, the one that is closer to Greenwich, England has the right of way. In the event that converging boats are virtually equidistant from Greenwich, the race shall be cancelled.
Problem: More than ever, people need people as men and women are finally in touch with their inner selves.
New Rule: In single-handed long distance races, participants are no longer disqualified for having guests aboard as long as each guest shall promise in writing to “be of no help whatsoever.”
Problem: Our exciting television culture has raised the bar on sports entertainment with extreme this and that. Boat racing as it currently exists can’t compete with, say, full frontal bowling.
New Rule: If a vessel collides with another vessel, the one that was hit is disqualified. If one boat is responsible for hitting and therefore disqualifying more than 3 boats, then that boat becomes the “instigating vessel” and shall be immediately declared the winner of the entire race.
Problem: Same one — competition with high quality television.
New Rule: If a vessel is early over a starting line, the skipper can choose between a handicapping penalty of a) performing two complete 360-degree turns, or b) starting a “small but significant” galley fire.
Problem: Same one. Television.
New Rule: An overtaking vessel’s crew can make pejorative taunts to the overtaken vessel, but cannot explicitly mention body parts unless the overtaken vessel has fluttered its stern in a provocative way, in which case the “Dodge Morgan override” is invoked whereby all manner of creative language is encouraged.
Problem: Creative new forms of yacht racing create novel situations that are beyond the scope of old rules.
New Rule: Any vessel attempting to race around the world the wrong way (motoring backwards) is granted unconditional right of way over all vessels. If two boats going backwards are on a collision course, then the boat that tends to back to port has right of way. If both boats back to port, then the boat with a feathering propeller gives up the right of way. If both boats back to port and both have similar propeller arrangements then the boat that looks “to reasonable men” most like a double ender is privileged.
Problem: Modern design brings us speedy new boats, but at the same time introduces fresh safety considerations. I apologize in advance if I appear to be singling out the insane French.
New Rule: Any modern racing sailboat built by anyone whose net worth exceeds 50 million Euros need never alter its course even in a probable collision, because the spars, rudder and keel cannot reasonably be expected to withstand the strain of any turns.
Finally, Special Rule Just For Fun: If, for any reason, a lobster boat is stopped by the Coast Guard, the lobster boat shall be declared “free to go about its own business” if said vessel can prove that its engines exceed 1,800 horsepower, thereby placing it in the exciting new “racing/working” category.
Tom Snyder sails Blue Moon out of Peaks Island, Maine.
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