Hedonistic cruising is grossly overrated

Midwinter 2003

By Tom Snyder

I recently discovered the answer to one of the oldest questions that hovers around the world of boating. The question is: “Why is cruising in the Caribbean so darned boring compared to cruising in Maine?” The answer is: “Because Caribbean cruising is not hard enough.”

Once we get over the relief of knowing that the question has been answered, we can get back to our lives. That’s what I recommend that we all do now. No more needs to be said.

This is technically, then, the end of my column. Thank you.

Footnotes

1. In Maine, if you want to see gorgeous naked people, you have to use your imagination. You actually have to pretend, in your mind, that someone with a beautifully tanned body and not a single misplaced inch of fat walks up to you and asks if you know what time it is. You have to pretend to struggle to keep looking them right in the eye and say that it’s 11 in the morning. Struggle and mental discipline make Maine cruising great.

2. In Maine, if you jump overboard to cut a line away from your propeller, you have to cover your privates and scream inwardly as your body gets approximately half way into the water. And once you have persuaded yourself to explore below the waterline, you have to relearn how to hold your breath (plus your privates). Don’t forget a 3-million candlepower waterproof searchlight for waters that are not sparkling turquoise and clear as crystal. Holding parts of yourself and waterproof gear make Maine cruising great.

3. In Maine, if you want an employee at a marina to bring you frozen drinks, you will have to wait for a very long time. It may even be quicker to brew your own beer. Patience and resourcefulness make Maine cruising great.

4. In Maine, if you want locals to stop you on their local streets to tell you in a musical speaking voice that it is another glorious day, you will have to buy property in that town and be a resident in good standing for at least a decade. Home ownership and citizenship makes Maine cruising great.

Apology: For those who live in the Caribbean area, the above may sound like sour grapes. This can’t be helped. Until Caribbean people realize that there’s more to cruising than relaxation, comfort, a consistently pleasant climate, friendliness and frozen drinks, they are going to have to get used to comparisons with Maine cruising.

Confession: I have not actually found the elusive answer to my own question as to why I prefer Maine cruising. Mysteriously, it’s the only place for me.