Cool about pirates

Midwinter 2007

By Tom Snyder

I recently read a cruising magazine article by an attractive, articulate and adventurous couple who sailed the waters of the southern Caribbean. Their passionate and cheerful description of their commonsense safety measures regarding piracy were astounding.

I enjoy imagining an invitation they might write, asking some friends to join them on a weeklong cruise to the picturesque islands off of the Venezuelan coast. For your added pleasure, assume that these friends are nervous first-time cruisers. All of the safety safely points in this imagined letter are taken from actual recommendations for prudent travel in that area.

Dear Brad and Julie,

We are so looking forward to our cruise together next week. It’s going to be fun!

We want to acknowledge two things right up front:

1. We know you are a little nervous about your very first time on a cruising sailboat, and that’s fine, because we promise to take great care of you.

2. One troubling aspect of the area we will be cruising is the presence of vicious pirates. Below are a few thoughts to relieve you of your worries about the unlikely event of a violent pirate attack.

We will be traveling with a group of other boats, because this tends to discourage pirates who prefer to ruthlessly prey on lone sailors.

You will be glad to know that we have aboard a very reliable ship-to-shore radio, although we will avoid using it, because pirates have been known to intercept radio messages in order to triangulate and coordinate their brutal and senseless attacks.

We also carry a powerful shortwave radio with which we can tune in every morning to a special station that reports on recent ferocious pirate attacks. That way we will know which spots to avoid.

We recommend bringing books on tape rather than regular books, because after dark we will blacking out the boat to prevent treacherous pirates from tracking us. We will sail without navigation lights and without, needless to say, reading lights. One book on tape that we love is the novelization of Driving Miss Daisy.

Bring very light pajamas because, when at anchor, we will be both locking all of the hatches from the inside and closing all of the screened vents. This encourages cold-blooded (but often lazy) pirates to search elsewhere for more vulnerable cruisers.

We will have flare guns and mace in the cockpit to be used defensively in the event of a massive assault by pirates. We suggest you also bring your own personal cans of mace to keep by your bedside. Mace may not ultimately stop a crazed pirate, but it sure will slow him down.

So, Brad and Julie, as you can see, we have thoroughly thought this one through. With this kind of planning, the chance of a catastrophic encounter with deadly pirates is greatly reduced. So rest easy, and we’ll see you soon.

P.S. Hey guys, almost forgot. Don’t worry about bringing towels. We have plenty.

Tom Snyder sails out of Peaks Island, Maine.