1 secret boat is plenty, thanks

By Tom Snyder
I have a secret second boat in Maine. But first, some background. I believe that it was in my first story for Points East that I admitted that I had gone over to the dark side in 1996 when I hit the jackpot, sold my company of 20 years and became one of those asshole rich people who buy lots of big boats. The embarrassing truth is that I actually did buy three boats in that one calendar year in order to discover the right one. The second of the three was a 34-foot sloop that never left its cradle in Hingham, Mass., in the short month that I owned it. That, by the way, is now my secret boat.

In the years that followed, I have loved sailing my “main” boat in Casco Bay. I definitely ended up with the right boat. An Island Packet (the Volvo of the sea), she will never win a race, but I do love her so. I hope she is listening now because I would never want my secret boat to come between us. Just because I spend a huge amount of time, energy and money on the secret boat doesn’t mean anything. I swear to God. And guess who finally caught me two-timing? Correct — it was the State of Maine.

They first wrote to me in ’98 to tell me that I owed an enormous “use tax” plus penalties on my hidden boat. This is the tax that boats purchased out of state must pay to Maine if they spend significant time in Maine waters. I called up to the folks in Maine, who were so darned pleasant compared to the folks I was dealing with day to day in New York. I explained that the boat in question had never been in Maine, had never even been in the water, and that it was long gone. We all had a good laugh. I then sent them bills of sale, witness statements, etc. Problem solved.

Then in ’99, I received a letter telling me that I owed an enormous “use tax” plus huge penalties on my hidden boat. I called right away. I actually looked forward to talking to those friendly gals in Maine. This time, they were just as friendly, but it was a whole new cast of characters. And this time it took much longer to explain. It was getting less amusing to anyone that I had bought a whole lot of boats in ’96. But anyway, I sent them bills of sale, witness statements, etc. When the thing was done with, I called them back and we all laughed at how silly this whole thing had been. Between hearty laughs, I asked if they might send me a little note saying that they now know that I did not own this “secret” boat.

Lily Tomlin had a line in her one-woman play that language was invented so that people could complain. I know what she means. People do it naturally. But in the case of the secret boat, I don’t want to appear as a complainer. I understand that these things happen. And I really do like those folks.

Anyway, last week I got my 2000 letter from the State of Maine telling me that I owe an enormous “use tax” plus gargantuan penalties on my “secret” boat. Also, it told me that this was a pretty darn serious situation. This time I couldn’t get any of the friendly official folks in Maine to get a huge kick out of my old boat-buying story. Again I made a mental note of how darned friendly they were. I sent them bills of sale, witness statements, plus my little note from someone who unfortunately doesn’t work at their office any more. Apparently, it wasn’t going to go so easy on me this time. So I made a huge decision.

I decided to just go ahead and have a second secret boat. I think it will be easier and cheaper in the long run. I will pay the taxes and penalties. I’m going to name her something romantic, like High & Dry, and I hope in the future to describe her exploits in this column. I actually feel great about being a good sport in this whole thing. If, however, anyone from the State of Maine is reading this, just for the record, I’m not crazy about the idea of having a third boat. But thanks.

Tom Snyder lives in Cambridge, Mass., with his wife Anne and children. He sails his Island Packet 350, Blue Moon, out of Hingham, Mass., and Peaks Island, Maine.