This cruise is going to be perfect

May 2008

By Tom Snyder

Shhh. Don’t tell my wife, Annie, about what follows. Seriously. She will be so surprised.

But first, a bit of background: Annie has just recently expressed an interest in doing an extended sailing cruise with me this summer! This is my old fantasy come true. I am not saying she has not sailed with me in the past. To the contrary, she has always been the best partner I could ever imagine on the boat. So much fun is Annie to be with that I have finally lost interest in my former passion of cruising alone. But, alas, any more than a week away from her flower garden has forever been too much to ask of her. And I had surrendered to this very livable arrangement, still counting myself among the luckiest men in the world.

So now, bang, a full month! Amazing! I am secretly planning to make this such a spectacular experience for us that it will stand a chance of happening again. My arrangements have been extensive, although as I hinted above, I want this upcoming flawless cruise to appear effortless and thoroughly predictable. She doesn’t need to know my level of obsessive preparation. But I will tell you guys. I’ve got to tell someone the steps I’ve taken.

The sure-fire planning:

• I installed a diesel hot water heater so that we won’t need to run the engine to have hot water. Hot water for days. We will luxuriate in both quiet and hot water.

• I have installed a bed mattress that is easily three inches thicker than the old one. Maybe four inches. I also have sheets with a ferocious thread count, in the low four figures. We will be well rested.

• I have exploited the Internet to develop a database of every visitable garden, museum and historical society east of Portland. The sites are sorted by latitude so I can glance at the chart and casually reference, say, the Ogunquit Museum Of American Art, which, incidentally, has been called “the most beautiful small museum in the world.” We will be entertained and enlightened.

• The shelf above the settee now boasts the most relevant bird-watching books. We will make important sightings.

• By the bedside area is a new collection of books that have been vetted as superb “read-aloud” books. We will laugh together. We will cry together.

• I have prepared a list of old friends who live within 20 miles of the Maine coast. They are also sortable by latitude. We will reminisce.

• I have selected a range of nice “going out on the town” outfits. They are permanent press and reside safely in evacuated plastic bags. I will be fresh and presentable.

• Installed on the cabin bulkhead are two gimbaled vases into which I will put real flowers. Or someone will. We will be fully flowered.

• Finally, ma (my) pièce de résistance. Annie loves to play games: card games and board games. Her family is famous throughout southern New Jersey for their card sense and their stamina. Interestingly, two things I particularly hate are card games and board games, respectively. Up until now this has been a problem for us on rainy cabin days. However, in the months leading up to our cruise, I will be spending an hour a day online, secretly learning to love Scrabble.

In order to love it, I somehow have to get good at it, because I hate to lose. I know everyone hates to lose, but I mean I really, really hate to lose – as in pouting for 36 hours and accusing others of purposefully being lucky.

So these are tricky but essential waters for me to navigate. In fact, even as I compose this article, I’m in the middle of my first computer Scrabble game.

Here’s the thing, though. And tell me honestly, and don’t take my side just to be nice, but what the hell kind of word is “towhee,”and then “pewit?” Seriously, the computer just played those two words in sequence, each for more than thirty points. You have to agree that something is totally unfair about that. Especially when it sets up the computer for a last-minute surge for a win. I’m almost positive “towhee” is not a word… OK, I just checked on the Internet, and it apparently is a Monte Carlo molecular simulation code originally designed for the prediction of fluid-phase equilibria using atom-based force fields.

I’m sorry but this is garbage, and this confirms why I hate this game. How could it be fair for the computer to rely on esoteric knowledge? Honestly, that cannot be considered a legitimate win, but already the loss has been recorded in my so-called lifetime game record. I can’t write any more….

Tom Snyder sails Blue Moon out of Peaks Island, Maine.