It’s time somebody stood up to the Brits

December 2006

By Tom Snyder

I am sending an open letter from the good citizens of New England to the boaters of England. As you will see, I plan to take the moral highroad wherever possible. The bitterness that I shall avoid is in no way related to the “US of A” having been kicked out of the British Empire in 1066, which, by the way, there’s no use denying. As anyone who watches the History Channel knows, after the vicious Red Coats forced our own Patrick Henry to famously cry, “I’d rather be dead than red!” the cat was out of the bag. Enough said. This letter is about boats, or “boates,” as you call them.

I was recently browsing through the November issue of one of your boating magazines, or as you say, Novembre, when I suddenly felt slapped in the face. Literally. Now, as implied above, I had been prepared to let bygones be bygones, but having read your magazine, I now say that it is time to throw down that thing that English people throw down when they have had it up to here. Cases in point:

“Be wary of navigating solely by the Internet,” says a letter to the editor from Wimborne, Dorset (as if that’s a real place). The writer goes on to say that navigating using only Google Map images is dangerous. What is he implying? That Google is bad? This is just sour grapes. If Tony Blair had invented the Internet before Al Gore did, you’d all be singing a different tune.

A feature article on galley stoves dares to venture dangerously off topic to recommend, “When it is time to replace your cooker, there is a bewildering choice … because … cooker selection is restricted by available space or budget.” OK, Duke of Glastonbury or Lord Farthingale, but over here we outlawed slavery in 1776.

In a thinly disguised Question and Answer section, we can clearly see that we are being singled out: “Q: I have a problem with my mast tang tube which is corroded and there are no top hats or support plates fitted.” Well excuse us. The writer is obviously referring to an American boat without top hats. Yes, we are a casual people. Point taken. But does it make you feel better to lord this over us? We don’t always bring up that you don’t tan well.

I was almost lulled into believing that you were waving a white flag when I came across an article entitled “Why can’t we be like Jersey?” Was this an honest attempt at contrition? I guess not. Consider the article’s subtitle: “What a delight that European visitors to Jersey no longer have to fill in Custom forms.” Oh really! When were you planning on telling us? I’m sure Bruce Springsteen would be very interested to hear about this.

Finally, in a section of cruising suggestions, I read: “Whether you are a world-class sailor or just a passing twitcher, Belfast is sure to make you feel welcome.” Two points here. A: It is a tad Anglo-centric to give advice about our great country without bothering to get the facts straight. Belfast, you might be interested to know, is landlocked. B: Fine. Very funny. We get the joke. So maybe we don’t know what a twitcher is. We can’t all afford to go to one of your private schools.

I apologize that I had to come on so strong. I guess this reflects, more than anger, the hurt.

Respectfully, Tom Snyder, USA

Tom Snyder sails out of Peaks Island, Maine.