Five bad laws, millions of us. Let’s roll

September 2007

By Tom Snyder

I realize that what I’m about to say is potent stuff. Therefore, I shall limit myself to measured language. But darn it, I want to get the government off our backs. I thought we lived in America, but, no, once again there’s a new raft of proposed boating laws floating down the river from those over-zealous politicians who plan to gradually erode all of the freedoms that George Washington and Doris Kearns Goodwin fought for. And without mentioning any names, I would not be surprised to find out that there’s a Kennedy (Ted) or a Hillary behind this invasion: five new boating laws, all of which we must defeat. Read these proposals and decide for yourself.

# 3874: Grown men who sail with a spouse can no longer refer to her as “the Admiral,” either in print or in casual conversation.

Now hold on! In the first place, we can’t start censoring comedy. Plus, that admiral joke is funny, pretending as it does that a female actually has any authority on a guy’s boat. So what’s next? A law that prevents men from flying the “witch and broomstick” signal flag when the wife is aboard? Just say no to the Admiral Joke Prohibition.

#3875: Powerboats over 22 feet in length may no longer refer to the method of finance in their names, including the names: Daddy’s Deduction, Stock Option Baby, My Big Bonus, LBO Girl, and ReceiverShip.

Again, I thought this was America! Traditionally, half the fun of burning 40 gallons an hour has been in explaining how this is even remotely affordable. I am not going to sit quietly by as our more successful players are muzzled from taking a verbal victory lap.

#3876: No traditional sea chantey may be played by a mixed-gender acoustic guitar group within 300 yards of a public dock or marina. Pre-recorded Jimmy Buffet songs are restricted to 1,000 yards.

This is outrageous! If this law passes, there will be nothing left for boaters to listen to except for a few early Neil Diamond albums. Must we say good-bye forever to seafaring classics such as “Bell Bottom Trousers,” “All For Me Grog,” and “Every Man Jack?”

#3877: No man between the ages of 52 and 59 may wear a decorative captain’s hat purchased at a boating store or through the Internet.

OK, here’s how it’s gonna be. The government is going to have to pry my cold, dead hands away from any of my captain’s hats – especially the ones with the ventilated cotton panel.

#3878: Every registered boater will be limited to bagging one Cigarette boat per season. Any captured Cigarette boat under 35 feet must be thrown back.

Look, I get it. We all know there is a shortage of Cigarette boats, and we must let stocks return to the levels of the late ’90s, but is this really the right role for our government? No, no and no. Let’s hang on to one of the last high-speed activities that can still be done with a net.

Five unnecessary laws, 300-million Americans. Let’s roll.

Tom Snyder sails out of Peaks Island, Maine.