Midwinter, 2002
By Tom Snyder
I have suspected for the past three years that nobody reads my column in these Midwinter issues. My friends tell me not to worry about it because nobody reads it in the summer. I at least know that my friends are wrong about the summer, because as I cruise the coast of Maine people sailing past my stern recognize the boat name and say, “Hi, Tom. We read your column and we don’t understand it. It just isn’t the kind of thing we find funny, but there are probably some people who do!” I love that kind of feedback – who wouldn’t? But how might I get reader response in the dead of winter?
I realize that nobody is going to pick up pencil, paper, envelope, and stamp to send in comments, especially since, in my case, so often the comments are hard to put in the written word. (People have been very effective, face to face, in letting me know that my particular brand of absurd, self-deprecating irony is better suited to a self-conscious urban setting than to, say, Maine.) So now I am planning to use this particular installment of Points East to prime the pump on some midwinter back and forth. I am going to up the ante, pour gas on the flames.
Here’s how it will work: I am going to make a series of statements about sailing and seamanship about which I have passionate convictions. You will read them, share them with friends, discuss them in your book groups, and paraphrase them in church. I am confident that the compelling nature of the notions will generate enough energy for a flurry of midwinter letters.
Below is my list of observations. Some people may accuse me of generalizing. I don’t think that’s fair. Anyway, most of these thoughts you will probably agree with while others may be disorienting.
1. Women are less comfortable than men on a sailboat because they are not good at yelling.
2. Quakers are unreliable in a microburst situation.
3. Gay males are afraid of swinging a compass.
4. All people from Maine are reluctant to apply varnish.
5. Boat yards have consistently opposed switching back to the gold standard.
6. Lobstermen know more than they are letting on about musical comedy.
7. Canadians have laid millions of defective mines in Maine’s harbors.
8. Elderly people intentionally run aground.
9. People who prefer Macintosh computers are naturally stupid (this doesn’t concern boats).
10. There are no fine restaurants for the well-to-do in Portland.
11. All harbormasters are afraid of highway patrol guys.
12. That Margaritaville guy can’t read musical notation and neither can Gordon Bok.
13. Safety on boats is something we could all stand to know less about.
14. Guys who own Cigarette boats are big, silly bunnies.
15. Island ferries only pretend to have bow thrusters.
16. People from Cambridge, Mass. do superb rigging work.
Again, I have purposefully NOT shied away from the truth or from controversy. That’s just me. And the point of this exercise was not to tell a lot of little feel-good white lies. But now it’s time to hear from you. My email address is sandymarsters_personal.home/ private_family.com.
Tom Snyder lives in Cambridge, Mass., and sails out of Peaks Island, Maine.
